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My checklist for going out in Pattaya

IF you are going out for a jam packed night of craziness in Pattaya, you must prepare for your adventure by having all of the tools of the trade ready to go. Here is my personal checklist; and in case you didn’t already figure it out, this is going to be a very silly article.

1) Pez dispenser full of Viagra – check

I have no children so there is no chance of a horrifying accident with said Pez dispenser.
I lied, the Pez dispenser is actually filled with Kamagra. Sorry I’m not on a pension.

2) Condoms and KY – check

This eliminates the chance of me forgetting to buy them, or intentionally forgetting to buy them when drunk.
This also means I won’t get stuck with the standard Thai man size 52 condom they sell at some pharmacies; which are only good if you’re going for the distinguished look since it makes it look like your penis is wearing a hat.

3) Gum/ breath mints – check

They’re not so much for me as they are for the girl(s) I am bound to meet who eat spicey Thai food filled with garlic and onions on every break.
I’ll need them to; it’s a safe bet that I will eat something grotesque when I have my drunken munchies’ cravings.

4) My cell phone – check
The goal of the night has to be not to lose or destroy my cell phone or to drop it in the toilet, again.
When I wake up in the morning there will be new entries in my contacts list of: Noy 1, Noy 2, Noy 3, big boobs girl, small boobs girl, and of course…”can’t understand her.”

5) “Hang” in the refrigerator – check
If you don’t know, now you know. This awful tasting drink called, HANG, is available at 7-11 and Family Mart, and it actually does give some hang over relief for the morning after. But if I don’t already have it, there’s just about no way I’d walk in the hot sun over to the store to get it in peak hangover pain.

6) “Water in the refrigerator/ Advil on my dresser – check

More of a continuation of hangover prep work, there’s just no point in not facing the inevitable. I will drink too much, and I will be sick in the A.M. Some envision hangovers in Thailand being a non-issue since you can laugh them off on a beautiful beach. That’s not the way it works though; what actually happens is you wake up and the sun is incredibly glaring and it’s unbelievably hot and humid outside. You try to get your AC to cool you down, but instead it only goes from WAY TOO HOT to WAY TOO COLD as you break out into hot and cold sweats a side order of the shakes. Thailand is the first place I’ve had to wear sunglasses inside; there’s almost no escaping the sun in this country.

7) A wallet very carefully filled – check

So I have learned my lesson enough times to where I actually have two wallets now, one with my bank cards, a color copy of my passport, a backup key for my place, important business cards, members cards, and cash, And a 2nd wallet with only a black and white copy of my passport. On nights where I go out this is the one I take out of my drawer, and I fill it up with only as much money as I’m willing to spend for that night. See Pattaya is a magical place; no matter how much cash you bring out with you on a particular night, you will wake up the next morning with 0. That’s some magic trick isn’t it? This could be due to me spending like a total moron when trashed, or it could be that every now and then some women have taken whatever money was in my wallet with them on their way out as their “tip” while I’m basically in a coma that Godzilla couldn’t wake me up from. Either way, I only bring what I’m willing to lose.

8) A plan – check

I leave my place with a mapped out itinerary of what I will get into for the night. I have a place in mind, and even a girl in mind that I always wanted to hang out with.

9) A backup plan – check
Since there is almost no chance that my initial plan will work out the way I want it to I must have a backup plan. The hot girl I remember will probably be barfined by 8PM, and that’s impressive since the Gogo she works at doesn’t open until 9PM. That’s just how it works for the hot ones; they actually get barfined before guys even have the chance to get drunk; it’s amazing. You know a girl is a superstar if sober guys buy her out. So I must have a backup girl in mind who will be much more impenetrable to the early night bar fine; stretch marks or c-section scars are a must.

10) Hotel room – check

This is how I do it; that’s right I actually get a hotel room BEFORE I go out. I have it all ready for the party for two I will have later that night or party of three if it’s a truly special occasion like: my birthday, New Years or the anniversary of when my ex and I split. Having the hotel beforehand really streamlines things later in the night!

There you have it; that is my weaponry for battle. I’m like a pervert version of Rambo.


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About ParadiseCity

M. Schwartz is an expert in all things Thailand. Having seen and done it all, there is nobody more equipped to teach about a successful ex-pat transition to Thailand. He wrote the cult classic guide book for men in Thailand called, How to Get the Most Bang for Your Buck in Thailand

10 Responses to My checklist for going out in Pattaya

  1. Tommy October 19, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    Go for it Rambo! Great post. Will definitely utilise ;)

  2. J October 19, 2012 at 11:42 am #

    Sounds like the same way that i approach a night in Bangkok…except for the hotel room to many Short time rooms for 300 baht that allow you to stay for 2 hours.

    Long enough for me 70% of the time, the other times i am more ready to get rid of her.

    • Chris October 19, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

      Definately agree with this comment, short time way better than long time.

  3. Buttercup October 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

    “Pez dispenser” what a wonderful idea! Do they still sell those or is it one you have been keeping since when I was young?

    • ParadiseCity October 20, 2012 at 4:59 am #

      Captain America collector’s item pez dispenser; you know it

  4. Blonk October 20, 2012 at 2:11 pm #

    Love ya work ya sik man ..!!!!!

    My usual backup strategy though is having something that followed me home days previous waiting for me in the (down the road) 800bht hotel, just in case I either luck out on miss universe or get so drunk I start getting caught in conversations with Cha Am LB’s…

    I hold nothing in wallet but a couple of old Sim cards and a 10 baht note. (the girls love this as it shows you respect Thailand).
    I find Tiffies are good value next day under any circumstances, but water is the key..

    My mantra is beware of 25 yo isaan girls… Beware of 25 yo issan girls… Beware of 25 yo isaan girls… 19 yo are ok, they havent been corrupted yet by the 25 yo’lds

    BKK and south thai girls are semi trustworthy.. I know if I play outside of those rules I expect fully to get punished, if not that night another…

    Mobile phones are 1000 baht notes.. Buy a 300 baht phone and offer it to a 1500 baht long time girl.. Its an open market and as long as you tell her its a new model and you paid like 200 baht for it, your on a winner… Thai girls do not understand the value of depreciation.

    Another ++ is to ask your wonderlust if you could pay for her to go see her family and you will wait for her return.. If she agrees and wants a ticket to isaan and she is around 25 run like fk dont look back.. If she is 19 or so, pretnd to buy the ticket fk her for a week whilst ‘the airline gets it right” then put her on a bus like all good thai girls …

    Just a thought…

    • Chris October 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

      OMG someone else who actually does this too! I had this place down the road 300 baht a night had girls staying in there from BKK one sometimes 2 together while I went out, if I didn’t find anything I’d just go to their room, if my girl wasn’t coming home we’d go back to my place otherwise I’d just be there short time. Game plan!

  5. whooyeah November 9, 2012 at 9:46 am #

    So what does this Hang Drink look like?

    I’ve looked but can’t find it.

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