Starting With a New Thai Girlfriend
Finding a Thai girlfriend isn't a huge problem in Thailand, just check out one of the many dating sites and surely you will find a girl, especially if you read my advice on online dating . It’s a little more challenging than it used to be, but as long as you’re nice and have a presentable appearance, you’ll have no problem finding interested women. Of all of the emails I get, very few of them have the caption, “I can’t find a girl in Thailand.” But one of the most popular subjects I talk to people about, is their nightmare relationship with a Thai girl. Most people are consumed by finding the right one(s), but not enough people focus on what to do once you have her. So many of these mixed relationships go badly, that there is a stigma out there that “Thai girls are crazy and don’t make good spouses.” It’s actually not true, it really isn’t. But I get why this is the perception; there are just so many foreign guys out there who have been in disastrously bad relationships with Thai women. You hear all of the horror stories, and you hear very few success stories.
Here are the main reasons why so many of these relationships end so miserably:
1) Actually, most relationships end miserably regardless of where the girl is from! That’s one of the first problems I have when guy’s automatically assume that “Thai girls are too crazy,” off one failed pairing. When it goes badly with a girl, don’t let it taint your outlook on every other girl. That kind of cynical outlook isn’t of the mentally healthy variety.
2) Lots of guys try to wife up a bar girl. This is a serious subject in itself, and we’re not going there today. We’re just going to put them in the “lost cause” category. IF you get into a serious relationship with a hooker, and it doesn’t work out, why would that be surprising?
3) Too many guys dig the relationship a deep hole from day one, with mistake after mistake. Then, after making all of these mistakes, they expect the girl and the relationship to snap back to perfection after a “I’ve had it up to here” yelling match. It doesn’t work like that. The roles and habits in the relationship are defined quickly, and it’s very difficult to change them. You really have to start off on the right foot if you want to have a chance to be happy with the girl. Being that this is Thailand, and that there are expectations from you and from her that are based on the “mixed dynamic,” it’s especially important to really nail down the reasonable expectations from the get-go. If you found yourself a quality woman, this is such an important concept, yet nobody gives it a second thought.
4) You are cheating, and she knows you are cheating. She might not ever directly catch you with another girl, but she is not stupid. She knows when you smell like another girl has been all over you. She knows when you have another girl's hair on you. She knows when you are acting strange and sneaking around. So many guys tell me their girl is crazy and extremely jealous, while we're at a club or bar together and they are hitting on another girl at the same time. Can you figure out why?
5) You are hiding secrets from her. Whether it's your financial situation, or your family situation. She knows that you are lying. Maybe she will ask you if you have something to tell her, or she will ask you about your past, or your financial situation and you just lie and lie about it. It will catch up to you. Probably sooner than later. Can you blame her?
So, regarding that 3rd point, that relationships fail because mistakes are made EARLY ON, here are some things you can do to avoid those mistakes, and to start off on a good path:
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1) Be a man of your word. Early on, it’s ok to tell a person what you’re OK with and not ok with. There’s ways of doing this that aren’t even that uncomfortable. But if you’re clear with a woman, insisting that you will not tolerate things like: heavily flirting online with other guys, being bat-sh*t crazy, etc., you need to be prepared to back it up. IF the girl does one of these deal breaker things, you can’t just bitch and moan, and then let it go. That’ll teach her that your word is meaningless, and that she can run you. Instead, call it quits, just as you said you would. And go with it for a solid week, so the girl knows that you’re not playing around.
2) Don’t brag about having a lot of money and doesn’t splurge like a big shot. This is beyond dumb, but guys always do this. If anything, it makes a lot of sense to make it look like you have less money than you really have. The reasons for why are obvious. But if you want to act like some big shot early on, the girl is going to get used to being spoiled. Then when you have no choice but to calm the spending down, it will put a strain on the relationship. I’m not saying you want the girl to think you’re poor, she has a right not to want to be with someone who has financial problems. But there’s no reason for her to think you have any more money than it would take to live reasonably.
3) Don’t curse and fight like crazy people. You do this once, with the “fuck you, die” sh*t, you can call it a wrap. I know relationships can be rough sometimes, but if something is so terrible that it’s causing the two of you to say horrible things to each other, wouldn’t you just be better off ending things?
4) Financial issues ruin relationships in any country. But since a couple doesn’t have to spend a lot of money in Thailand to be happy, the money issue with the two of you is easy to avoid. But if it expands to her parents, then things can get pretty out of control. And it can be a real shame, because sometimes the girl really doesn’t have anything to do with her parents demanding that you give them money. This, again, is a very involved topic, one that has been discussed a lot here. So I’ll leave the amounts and shakedown techniques out of it for this post. But, for the purposes of starting off on the right foot, it’s worth stating that you should figure out the parent money expectations very quickly, and make your stand very clear. After drawing your line in the sand promptly, you’ll see what type of people they are. If they’re fine, great! If they’re greedy wolves, you might want to call things quits with the girl, because it’s almost impossible to make things work if you’re in a World War with her folks. If you think that you shouldn't help her parents at all in anyway shape or form then don't get a Thai g/f!
5) Having space in a relationship is important, and Thai girls can be a little clingy..sometimes alot! Make sure the girl immediately understands that being jealous and possessive isn’t going to work for you. Make it clear that if she wants to be with a man who would never go out for a few drinks with his friends, she must leave now so she can go find such a man.
6) Having a snooper for a girlfriend is a horrible feeling, even if you’re a good boyfriend to her. Make sure she understands that you are a man, and that nobody in the world has a right to go through your phone and emails to find “dirt.” If you haven’t given her any direct reasons not to trust you, and she still doesn't trust you, give her the boot. And if you see her starting to act like a detective, give a firm warning to nip it in the bud. This is not true in all cases. If at anytime your g/f catches you cheating or talking to other girls she's going to go through your stuff and it'll be a nightmare for most guys without the balls to handle it. My g/f and I share a phone! That's cause she through hers in the river while i was out to play. How is this good? Well now i can go out and not get annoying phone calls.
7) Make it clear that she’s lucky, but don’t be a d*ck about it. The girl needs to appreciate you enough to be motivated to be good to you. You must do what you can do to earn that appreciation, without outright spoiling her. Let her know that you’ll always be there, that you’d never hurt her, and that she can count on you. If you feel like she’s taking you for granted a bit, let her know that guys like that don’t grow on trees. Young women don’t realize that good guys don’t grow on trees, so it’s tough with them. Girls who have been around for 30 years know that a good guy is a huge prize.
8) Try to introduce her to your family. If distance is an issue, do it on a Skype video chat. Thai women really value this; it means a lot to them. They know you’re serious when you formally introduce her to your family. And when you see her parents, try your very best to be nice and mild mannered.
9) Don’t let her get away with treating you worse or expecting more from you simply because you’re a Farang. You absolutely cannot stand for this and she should know that. This means, she should be working if she’s not taking care of children. And this means that she should not count on you to pay a maid and to take her out for every meal.
10) Don’t get Caught. If you intend to cheat on your girlfriend, while expecting and demanding that she never cheat on you, it’s a lot to ask for, perhaps too much. If you want to go down this road, never get caught. Because if you do, the relationship is going to be so damaged that it might well be ruined. The only alternative is to tell her from the get-go that you don’t intend to be 100% monogamous. That you will only have one girlfriend, but that you may do crazy things on the occasional crazy night. Some Thai girls are actually OK with this, but only if the terms are flushed out quickly. She might have a rule, like you not being able to be with the same chick twice, or that you have to be home by 4AM. I know of some good working relationships that have arrangements like this. I’m not saying it’s for everyone, but I am saying that being honest out of the gate is a lot better than lying and getting caught.
*Bonus – Don’t have threesomes with the girl. Even if she says he’s into girls, or even if she’s willing to do this just to please you, it’s not beneficial to the relationship. She’ll end up resenting you for it, and she can always drop it on you as an excuse or justification for cheating herself. If she may be the one, keep it clean and find a kinky Gik to do that with.
My Last Words on Thai Girlfriend relationships
I've seen thousands of relationships come and go in fact I've got several girl Thai friends that have dated at least a dozen guys i know. In fact if you live in Chiang Mai and met your g/f on a dating site here turn and take a look at her now because it's likely that I or someone who reads this blog has already took her to noodles 😉 The average quick relationship here is 2-4 weeks more like a fling, then there are the girlfriend/boyfriend types that last a year or more before things go totally nuclear! My point here being that if you're going to have a real relationship then pick the right girl.